I created this blog in August while going through a really tough anti-depressant medication change. I never really had any direction for it. I read my friend's posts regularly, now. Each one of them has some sort of purpose behind their posts - children, school, family...I'm thinking now that I have my own reasons and I thought that it would be a great way to chronicle the journey!
After 5 1/2 years of marriage and 10 years together Justin and I have decided to start a family. We decided a bit late in the month this month, but are excited for our next chance to conceive in January. I've been ready for this change in my life for a while. Justin has taken a bit more time to be ready, mainly for financial concerns, but I wanted him to be ready on his own. Not with my pushing. Not with my nagging. When he was ready. I let him know that I was ready whenever he was, and left it at that.
We hadn't had a real conversation about starting a family in quite some time. We joked about it. I ooh-ed and aah-ed at friend's little ones, babies on TV, pregnant women... He joked to friends in a sarcastic tone about how "excited" he was for parenthood. But in the last few weeks, we've actually talked about it and have since started trying. His acceptance of this change came all at once, at least from my perspective, but I'm so glad that we're 100% in this together. We have a solid marriage and I can genuinely say I'm married to my very best friend. If there's anyone I want as a partner in this, it's him. He's going to be an amazing dad, and has an incredible heart for kids. It will be fun to experience the ups and downs together.
I'm excited, scared, nervous and anticipating the challenges and joys of parenthood. I feel like I've been a parent for so many years already, since I work with kids for a living. I feel like a second "mom" to a lot of our friend's kids, but this will be so much different. I can't wait for the day when I will find out that my dreams of becoming a mom will become a reality! Stay tuned!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Ramblings...
I have to forwarn anyone who is reading this, that part of it is depressing. Mainly because, I am at this point in time, not completely my true self. Or maybe I am my true self, and I'm just waiting for the medicated one to return? Not sure. Read on if you dare. :)
So, because blogging has become more rampant than grasshoppers on a summer day, I am here. Many of my friends blog. Although, I have to admit, I'm not the greatest about reading them. I've never been good at journaling. I tried to be a writer as a teenager, but I didn't have the patience for it. There were too many thoughts in my head, and I couldn't get them on paper fast enough. Now, in the days of computers, maybe my hands will finally keep up with me. Maybe this will be a way for me to work through my demons, too?
Obviously, if you're reading this, I most likely know you. I first, have to say thank you to those who have put up with me over the last couple of weeks. They've been rough for me (inside my own head, of course) and I'm surprised I haven't completely reverted into my old self. It would have been very easy to do, and my old self has definitely reared it's crazy ugly head a few times. Thankfully, most of the people I'm friends with these days, didn't know me at my truely scary stage. I have to say that, if it weren't for Justin, I probably wouldn't be here today. I've struggled with depression for years, and I thank God everyday for the medication that keeps me sane...most of the time. But most of all I'm thankful for my amazing husband that puts up with my crap when I'm like this. He wakes up each day still loving me, and that in itself is an amazing thing! :)
Unfortunately, the last week or two has been touch and go, as I've been working my way through a medication change and dealing with a lot of stress at work. I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the doctor. After discussion about my symptoms and about life she asked me if I was under stress. To which my response was to burst into tears. She ordered a blood panel to check my metabolic rates, but stated that most likely the physical symptoms that I was having were due to anxiety/depression. Apparently, the meds that I have been on for four years have not been as effective, and my coping skills are beginning to wane. I've been more sensitive. Haven't smiled as easily, cried more easily, and had a harder time laughing at things that I normally would (and should). I haven't wanted to be around people as much, which is extremely unusual for me. I thought it was just me being stressed out. I didn't realize that my meds were no longer working. The med change has been difficult because I just can't seem to get past the fog in my brain that I've grown used to not having around. Now that the old meds are out and the new haven't quite kicked in, it's been a genuine struggle to get myself out of bed in the morning. I'm reminded daily why I take the medication that I do. I used to think that I could live without it. Now, I pray for this one to kick in soon as I don't like the person that I am when I'm not on it. I'm thankful that I've realized that I need it to live. I'm scared, though, because I'm supposed to go back on my old meds in 6 months or so, and I don't know that I can do this again...
I've had the opportunity this summer to get to enjoy my weekends We've gotten to go camping with close friends, enjoy the sunshine, and have dinner on the beach. I've read several books, and got to play softball with TWO teams this summer. I've met friends for lunch and for coffee, and enjoyed a good laugh. We've gone to dinner with family, seen movies, and laughed, and for all of this I'm thankful. The next thing on my list is to get myself healthy for the future.
Alright, I think this is enough for an "introductory" blog. We'll see how often I use this thing!
So, because blogging has become more rampant than grasshoppers on a summer day, I am here. Many of my friends blog. Although, I have to admit, I'm not the greatest about reading them. I've never been good at journaling. I tried to be a writer as a teenager, but I didn't have the patience for it. There were too many thoughts in my head, and I couldn't get them on paper fast enough. Now, in the days of computers, maybe my hands will finally keep up with me. Maybe this will be a way for me to work through my demons, too?
Obviously, if you're reading this, I most likely know you. I first, have to say thank you to those who have put up with me over the last couple of weeks. They've been rough for me (inside my own head, of course) and I'm surprised I haven't completely reverted into my old self. It would have been very easy to do, and my old self has definitely reared it's crazy ugly head a few times. Thankfully, most of the people I'm friends with these days, didn't know me at my truely scary stage. I have to say that, if it weren't for Justin, I probably wouldn't be here today. I've struggled with depression for years, and I thank God everyday for the medication that keeps me sane...most of the time. But most of all I'm thankful for my amazing husband that puts up with my crap when I'm like this. He wakes up each day still loving me, and that in itself is an amazing thing! :)
Unfortunately, the last week or two has been touch and go, as I've been working my way through a medication change and dealing with a lot of stress at work. I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the doctor. After discussion about my symptoms and about life she asked me if I was under stress. To which my response was to burst into tears. She ordered a blood panel to check my metabolic rates, but stated that most likely the physical symptoms that I was having were due to anxiety/depression. Apparently, the meds that I have been on for four years have not been as effective, and my coping skills are beginning to wane. I've been more sensitive. Haven't smiled as easily, cried more easily, and had a harder time laughing at things that I normally would (and should). I haven't wanted to be around people as much, which is extremely unusual for me. I thought it was just me being stressed out. I didn't realize that my meds were no longer working. The med change has been difficult because I just can't seem to get past the fog in my brain that I've grown used to not having around. Now that the old meds are out and the new haven't quite kicked in, it's been a genuine struggle to get myself out of bed in the morning. I'm reminded daily why I take the medication that I do. I used to think that I could live without it. Now, I pray for this one to kick in soon as I don't like the person that I am when I'm not on it. I'm thankful that I've realized that I need it to live. I'm scared, though, because I'm supposed to go back on my old meds in 6 months or so, and I don't know that I can do this again...
I've had the opportunity this summer to get to enjoy my weekends We've gotten to go camping with close friends, enjoy the sunshine, and have dinner on the beach. I've read several books, and got to play softball with TWO teams this summer. I've met friends for lunch and for coffee, and enjoyed a good laugh. We've gone to dinner with family, seen movies, and laughed, and for all of this I'm thankful. The next thing on my list is to get myself healthy for the future.
Alright, I think this is enough for an "introductory" blog. We'll see how often I use this thing!
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