Ramblings...

I have to forwarn anyone who is reading this, that part of it is depressing. Mainly because, I am at this point in time, not completely my true self. Or maybe I am my true self, and I'm just waiting for the medicated one to return? Not sure. Read on if you dare. :)

So, because blogging has become more rampant than grasshoppers on a summer day, I am here. Many of my friends blog. Although, I have to admit, I'm not the greatest about reading them. I've never been good at journaling. I tried to be a writer as a teenager, but I didn't have the patience for it. There were too many thoughts in my head, and I couldn't get them on paper fast enough. Now, in the days of computers, maybe my hands will finally keep up with me. Maybe this will be a way for me to work through my demons, too?

Obviously, if you're reading this, I most likely know you. I first, have to say thank you to those who have put up with me over the last couple of weeks. They've been rough for me (inside my own head, of course) and I'm surprised I haven't completely reverted into my old self. It would have been very easy to do, and my old self has definitely reared it's crazy ugly head a few times. Thankfully, most of the people I'm friends with these days, didn't know me at my truely scary stage. I have to say that, if it weren't for Justin, I probably wouldn't be here today. I've struggled with depression for years, and I thank God everyday for the medication that keeps me sane...most of the time. But most of all I'm thankful for my amazing husband that puts up with my crap when I'm like this. He wakes up each day still loving me, and that in itself is an amazing thing! :)

Unfortunately, the last week or two has been touch and go, as I've been working my way through a medication change and dealing with a lot of stress at work. I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the doctor. After discussion about my symptoms and about life she asked me if I was under stress. To which my response was to burst into tears. She ordered a blood panel to check my metabolic rates, but stated that most likely the physical symptoms that I was having were due to anxiety/depression. Apparently, the meds that I have been on for four years have not been as effective, and my coping skills are beginning to wane. I've been more sensitive. Haven't smiled as easily, cried more easily, and had a harder time laughing at things that I normally would (and should). I haven't wanted to be around people as much, which is extremely unusual for me. I thought it was just me being stressed out. I didn't realize that my meds were no longer working. The med change has been difficult because I just can't seem to get past the fog in my brain that I've grown used to not having around. Now that the old meds are out and the new haven't quite kicked in, it's been a genuine struggle to get myself out of bed in the morning. I'm reminded daily why I take the medication that I do. I used to think that I could live without it. Now, I pray for this one to kick in soon as I don't like the person that I am when I'm not on it. I'm thankful that I've realized that I need it to live. I'm scared, though, because I'm supposed to go back on my old meds in 6 months or so, and I don't know that I can do this again...

I've had the opportunity this summer to get to enjoy my weekends We've gotten to go camping with close friends, enjoy the sunshine, and have dinner on the beach. I've read several books, and got to play softball with TWO teams this summer. I've met friends for lunch and for coffee, and enjoyed a good laugh. We've gone to dinner with family, seen movies, and laughed, and for all of this I'm thankful. The next thing on my list is to get myself healthy for the future.

Alright, I think this is enough for an "introductory" blog. We'll see how often I use this thing!